What do you get when you play a country song backwards? Yep, this is the page for all those forlorn country music jokes, with a few bluegrass jokes to keep them company, plus some about the accordion and the harmonica. That quintessential bluegrass instrument, the banjo, is also referenced here, but the collection of banjo jokes has grown so large that it has graduated to an entire page of its own, which you can still reach from the banjo jokes links on this page.
Feel free to return to the index of musical humour at this point, or choose your exit via the site navigation.
( site-nav ) ( page-top ) ( page-foot ) | |
Principal Category | Subsidiary Categories |
---|---|
Country & Bluegrass | Country | Bluegrass | Accordion | Banjo | Harmonica |
( site-nav ) ( page-top ) ( page-foot ) |
Country 01: Country Music One-Liners
Country 02: A Medical Student Was in the Morgue One Day
Country 03: A Gay Man Walks Into a Country Bar
Country 04: The Best Country Song Titles
Country 05: The Best Of The Worst Country-Western Song Titles
Country 06: Proposed Country-Western Song Titles
Country 07: Top 12 Country Songs for 2006
Country 08: Actual Country and Western Song Titles
Country 09: Rejected Country-Western Song Titles
Country 10: Do-It-Yourself Country/Western Song
Country 11: Musical Terms Often Misunderstood by Country-Western Musicians
Country 12: Two Music Lovers Were Being Held Hostage
Country 13: I Accidently Spilled Some Beer on my Stove Today
Country 14: Top Ten Items on the Country Music Singer Application
( index ) ( site-nav ) ( page-top ) ( page-foot )
-= country =-= 01 =-------------------------------------------------------------
01:
How many country & western singers does it take to change a light bulb?
Three. One to change the bulb and two to sing about the old one.
02:
How many country singers does it take to change a lightbulb?
Two, one to do it and one to sing a song reminiscing about all the good times
he had with the old bulb.
03:
How many country bass players does it take to change a lightbulb?
One, five, one, five, one, five …
-= country =-= 02 =-------------------------------------------------------------
04:
What has 72 legs and 26 teeth?
The first row at a Willie Nelson concert!
05:
What has 154 legs and 8 teeth?
The first row at a Garth Brooks concert!
-= country =-= 03 =-------------------------------------------------------------
06:
What happens if you sing country music backwards?
You get your job and your wife back.
07:
What happens when you play country music backwards?
You get your house back, your car (or truck) back and your wife back.
08:
What happens when you play a country record backwards?
* You get out of prison.
* Your wife comes back to you.
* Your pickup truck is returned.
* Your dog comes back to life.
09:
What happens if you play country music backwards?
Your wife returns to you, your dog comes back to life, and you get out of prison.
10:
What happens when you spin a country singer’s record backwards?
He gets his wife, his job, and his John Deere back.
-= country =-= 04 =-------------------------------------------------------------
11:
Country Music is an oxymoron.
— courtesy Right Coast Mike.
-= country =-= 05 =-------------------------------------------------------------
12:
Country singer George Jones was injured in a car crash.
Police say two factors contributed to the crash:
(1) “Jones lost control while talking on a cell phone,” and
(2) “crap like this always happens to country singers.”
-= country =-= 06 =-------------------------------------------------------------
13:
“I don’t like country music, but I don’t mean to denigrate those
who do.
And for the people who like country music, denigrate means ‘put
down.’”
— Bob Newhart
-= country =-= 07 =-------------------------------------------------------------
14:
“Hey there, pa’dner. What the heck is that there rock that makes them
words sound so much alike?”
“That’s a rhyme stone, Cowboy.”
( country ) ( index ) ( site-nav ) ( page-top ) ( page-foot )
-= country =-= 08 =-------------------------------------------------------------
A medical student was in the morgue one day after classes, getting a little practice in before the final exams.
He went over to a table where a body was lying face down. He removed
the sheet over the body
and to his surprise he found a cork in the corpse’s rectum. Figuring this was
fairly unusual,
he pulled the cork out, and to his surprise, music began playing –
“On the road again… Just can’t wait to get on the road
again…”
The student was amazed, and placed the cork back in the rectum. The
music stopped.
Totally freaked out, the student called the Medical Examiner over to the corpse.
“Look at this. This is really something!” the student told the examiner as he pulled the cork back out again.
“On the road again… Just can’t wait to get on the road again…”
“So what?” the Medical Examiner replied, obviously unimpressed with the student’s discovery.
“But isn’t that the most amazing thing you’ve ever seen?” asked the student.
“Are you kidding?” replied the Examiner, “Any asshole can sing country music.”
( country ) ( index ) ( site-nav ) ( page-top ) ( page-foot )
-= country =-= 09 =-------------------------------------------------------------
A gay man walks into a country bar and says, “I just want everyone
to know that I’m gay,
but I won’t hit on anyone. I just like country music.”
The bartender says that it’s okay and the man stays.
The next day the gay man comes back with another guy and says, “This
is my brother. I just want everyone
to know that we’re gay, but we won’t hit on anyone. We just like
country music.”
The bartender again says that is okay and the men stay.
Again, the next day the man comes back, but this time he is with even
more men and says,
“These are my cousins and my brother. I just want everyone to know that
we’re gay,
but we won’t hit on anyone. We just like country music.”
The bartender finally gets curious and asks, “Hey, doesn’t ANYONE in your family like girls?”
The gay man replies, “Yeah, but she doesn’t like country music.”
( country ) ( index ) ( site-nav ) ( page-top ) ( page-foot )
-= country =-= 10 =-------------------------------------------------------------
Country music songwriters, in my opinion, are some of the greatest
wordsmiths on earth.
Read the list below to enjoy some of the greatest song titles ever.
( country ) ( index ) ( site-nav ) ( page-top ) ( page-foot )
-= country =-= 11 =-------------------------------------------------------------
( country ) ( index ) ( site-nav ) ( page-top ) ( page-foot )
-= country =-= 12 =-------------------------------------------------------------
( country ) ( index ) ( site-nav ) ( page-top ) ( page-foot )
-= country =-= 13 =-------------------------------------------------------------
12. I Hate Every Bone in Her Body But Mine.
11. It’s Hard to Kiss the Lips At Night That Chewed Your Ass All Day.
10. If the Phone Don’t Ring, You’ll Know It’s Me.
9. I Liked You Better Before I Got to Know You So Well.
8. I Still Miss You Baby, But My Aim’s Getting Better.
7. I Wouldn’t take her to a Dog Fight ’Cause I’m Afraid She’d Win.
6. I’ll Marry You Tomorrow, But Let’s Honeymoon Tonight.
5. I’m So Miserable without you, It’s like You’re Still Here.
4. If I Had Shot You When I First wanted To, I’d Be Out Of Prison By now.
3. My Wife Ran Off With My Best Friend and I Sure Do Miss Him.
2. She Got the Ring and I Got the Finger.
And the number one country song of 2006 is:
1. I Ain’t Never Gone to Bed with Ugly Women But I’ve Sure Woke Up With a Few.
( country ) ( index ) ( site-nav ) ( page-top ) ( page-foot )
-= country =-= 14 =-------------------------------------------------------------
The fun in country music is in the words — lines soaked in moonshine
humour
so wry and raunchy you won’t be sober for days.
( country ) ( index ) ( site-nav ) ( page-top ) ( page-foot )
-= country =-= 15 =-------------------------------------------------------------
( country ) ( index ) ( site-nav ) ( page-top ) ( page-foot )
-= country =-= 16 =-------------------------------------------------------------
Just fill in each numbered blank with a randomly chosen entry from the matching numbered column of choices…
I met her __________ | _____; | I can still recall _________ |
(1) | (2) | (3) |
Choices 1. on the highway in Sheboygan outside Fresno at a truck stop on probation in a jail cell in a nightmare incognito in the Stone Age in a treehouse in a gay bar |
Choices 2. in September at McDonald’s ridin’ shotgun wrestlin’ gators all hunched over poppin’ uppers sort of pregnant with joggers stoned on oatmeal with Merv Griffin dead all over |
Choices 3. that purple dress that little hat that burlap bra those training pants the stolen goods that plastic nose the Stassin pin the neon sign that creepy smile the hearing aid the boxer shorts |
she wore; She was ______ | _____, | |
(4) | (5) | |
Choices 4. sobbin’ at the toll booth drinkin’ Dr. Pepper weighted down with Twinkies breakin’ out with acne crawlin’ through the prairie smellin’ kind of funny crashin’ through the guardrail chewin’ on a hangnail talkin’ in Swahili drownin’ in the quicksand slurpin’ up linguini |
Choices 5. in the twilight but I loved her by the off-ramp near Poughkeepsie with her cobra when she shot me on her elbows with Led-Zeppelin with Miss Piggy with a wetback in her muu-muu |
|
and I knew _______; | _______ | I’d ______ forever; |
(6) | (7) | (8) |
Choices 6. no guy would ever love her more that she would be an easy score she’d bought her dentures in a store that she would be a crashing bore I’d never rate her more than “4” they’d hate her guts in Baltimore it was a raven, nothing more we really lost the last World War I’d have to scrape her off the floor what strong deodorants were for that she was rotten to the core that I would upchuck on the floor |
Choices 7. I promised her I knew deep down She asked me if I told her shrink The judge declared My Pooh Bear said I shrieked in pain The painters knew A Klingon said My hamster thought The blood test showed Her rabbi said |
Choices 8. stay with her warp her mind swear off booze change my sex punch her out live off her have my rash stay a dwarf hate her dog pick my nose play “Go Fish” salivate |
She said to me ____; | But who’d have thought she’d _____ | |
(9) | (10) | |
Choices 9. our love would never die there was no other guy man wasn’t meant to fly that Nixon didn’t lie her basset hound was shy that Rolaids made her high she’d have a swiss on rye she loved my one blue eye her brother’s name was Hy she liked “Spy vs. Spy” that birthdays made her cry she couldn’t stand my tie |
Choices 10. run off wind up boogie yodel sky dive turn green freak out blast off make it black out bobsled grovel |
|
___________; | _________ goodbye. | |
(11) | (12) | |
Choices 11. with my best friend in my Edsel on a surfboard on “The Gong Show” with her dentist on her “Workmate” with a robot with no clothes on at her health club in her Maytag with her guru while in labor |
Choices 12. You’d think at least that she’d have said I never had the chance to say She told her fat friend Grace to say I now can kiss my credit cards I guess I was too smashed to say I watched her melt away and sobbed She fell beneath the wheels and cried She sent a hired thug to say She freaked out on the lawn and screamed I pushed her off the bridge and waved But that’s the way that pygmies say She sealed me in the vault and smirked. |
( country ) ( index ) ( site-nav ) ( page-top ) ( page-foot )
-= country =-= 17 =-------------------------------------------------------------
( country ) ( index ) ( site-nav ) ( page-top ) ( page-foot )
-= country =-= 18 =-------------------------------------------------------------
Two music lovers were being held hostage and both were going to be shot.
One of them was a country music lover and the other enjoyed all kinds
of music.
Before they were shot they were asked for one last request before they died.
The country music lover said, “I would like to listen to ‘Achy Breaky Heart’ fifty times in a row.”
The other music lover says, “Please, shoot me first.”
( country ) ( index ) ( site-nav ) ( page-top ) ( page-foot )
-= country =-= 19 =-------------------------------------------------------------
I was told that most country and western songs are about common
everyday events.
I decided to try it for myself.
I accidently spilled some beer on my stove today… it was traumatic as it was
my last one.
I will relate it to you in song…
Foam, foam on the range,
Where my beer tipped over and sprayed.
Where seldom is heard
a discouraging word,
Cuz what can some spilled beer foam say.
( country ) ( index ) ( site-nav ) ( page-top ) ( page-foot )
-= country =-= 20 =-------------------------------------------------------------
10. Provide names and phone numbers of three lovers who done you wrong.
9. Ever nailed a Judd?
8. Would you be willing to wear jeans so tight they cut off circulation to your ass?
7. Spell “dagnabbit.”
6. Which name best describes your sexual orientation: “George Straight,” or “Dixie Chicks?”
5. Complete the following sentence — “Hee ______!”
4. Describe size and location of dents on your pickup truck.
3. If you could meet anybody in the world, living or dead — which Statler Brother would it be?
2. Name six radio-friendly words that rhyme with “truck.”
1. Chaw?
( country ) ( index ) ( site-nav ) ( page-top ) ( page-foot )
Bluegrass 01: Bluegrass Music One-Liners
( index ) ( site-nav ) ( page-top ) ( page-foot )
-= bluegrass =-= 01 =-----------------------------------------------------------
01:
Why do bluegrass banjo pickers always die with their boots on?
So they won’t stub their toes when they kick the bucket.
-= bluegrass =-= 02 =-----------------------------------------------------------
02:
If you practice, tune, make a sound check, and sit down to play,
it’s folk music. Otherwise, it’s bluegrass.
-= bluegrass =-= 03 =-----------------------------------------------------------
03:
How many bluegrass musicians does it take to change a light bulb?
Five… One to change the bulb, and four to complain that it’s ELECTRIC!
04:
How many bluegrass musicians does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Two. One to screw it in, and one to complain that it’s electrified.
05:
How many bluegrass musicians does it take to screw in a light bulb?
It doesn’t matter as long as everyone gets a turn!
-= bluegrass =-= 04 =-----------------------------------------------------------
06: “Keep pickin’ that and it’ll never heal.”
-= bluegrass =-= 05 =-----------------------------------------------------------
07:
What’s the difference between jazz and bluegrass?
A baby blue suit and half a million drum sets!
-= bluegrass =-= 06 =-----------------------------------------------------------
08:
What has 100 legs and four teeth?
The front row at a Mississippi Bluegrass festival.
-= bluegrass =-= 07 =-----------------------------------------------------------
09:
How do you tell you are at a Bluegrass show?
If there are more people on the stage than in the audience.
-= bluegrass =-= 08 =-----------------------------------------------------------
10: Play Bluegrass Lite! One third Fewer Notes! Less Picking! Sounds Great!
( bluegrass ) ( index ) ( site-nav ) ( page-top ) ( page-foot )
Accordion 01: Accordion One-Liners
Accordion 02: A Trombone Player and an Accordion Player
Accordion 03: An Accordion Player in his Middle 40s
( index ) ( site-nav ) ( page-top ) ( page-foot )
-= accordion =-= 01 =-----------------------------------------------------------
01: An accordion is a bagpipe with pleats.
-= accordion =-= 02 =-----------------------------------------------------------
02:
If you drop an accordion, a set of bagpipes and a viola off a 20-story building,
which one lands first?
Who cares?
-= accordion =-= 03 =-----------------------------------------------------------
03:
What’s the difference between an Uzi and an accordion?
The Uzi stops after 20 rounds.
-= accordion =-= 04 =-----------------------------------------------------------
04:
What do you call ten accordions at the bottom of the ocean?
A good start.
-= accordion =-= 05 =-----------------------------------------------------------
05:
What’s a bassoon good for?
Kindling for an accordion fire.
-= accordion =-= 06 =-----------------------------------------------------------
06:
What’s an accordion good for?
Learning how to fold a map.
-= accordion =-= 07 =-----------------------------------------------------------
07:
What is the difference between a lawnmower and an accordion?
You could sell a used lawnmower.
-= accordion =-= 08 =-----------------------------------------------------------
08:
Who is the patron saint of the accordion?
Our Lady of Spain.
09:
What do you call a group of topless female accordion players?
Ladies in Pain.
-= accordion =-= 09 =-----------------------------------------------------------
10: A topless bar tried to have a Polka Night but the accordionist kept getting hurt.
-= accordion =-= 10 =-----------------------------------------------------------
11:
What’s the definition of a gentleman?
A man who knows how to play the accordion, but doesn’t.
-= accordion =-= 11 =-----------------------------------------------------------
12:
What’s the definition of an optimist?
An accordion player with a pager.
-= accordion =-= 12 =-----------------------------------------------------------
13:
Bumper Stickers:
1. Play an accordion — go to jail!
2. Three rows and you’re out!
-= accordion =-= 13 =-----------------------------------------------------------
14:
A terrorist group has taken 90 accordion players hostage, and if their demands
aren’t met,
they’ll release one every hour.
-= accordion =-= 14 =-----------------------------------------------------------
15:
What is “perfect pitch?”
When you toss an accordion into the toilet bowl without hitting the rim.
-= accordion =-= 15 =-----------------------------------------------------------
16:
Why doesn’t Heaven have a pipe organ?
Because they needed the keys in Hell to make accordions.
-= accordion =-= 16 =-----------------------------------------------------------
17:
When you arrive in Heaven, St. Peter says, “Welcome to Heaven! Here’s
your harp.”
When you arrive in Hell, Satan says, “Welcome to Hell! Here’s your
accordion.”
-= accordion =-= 17 =-----------------------------------------------------------
18:
How do you know if the guy knocking on your door is a accordionist?
He doesn’t stop even after you answer.
-= accordion =-= 18 =-----------------------------------------------------------
19:
What is worse than a bad accordion player?
A good accordion player.
-= accordion =-= 19 =-----------------------------------------------------------
20:
Minimum safe distances between street musicians and the public:
* Violinist: 25 feet
* Bad Violinist: 50 feet
* Tone Deaf Guitar Player who knows 3 chords: 75 feet
* 15 year-old Electric Guitar Player with Nirvana fixation: 100 feet
* Accordionist: 60 miles
-= accordion =-= 20 =-----------------------------------------------------------
21:
How do you protect a valuable instrument?
Hide it in an accordion case.
-= accordion =-= 21 =-----------------------------------------------------------
22:
Why can’t a gorilla play accordion?
He’s too sensitive.
-= accordion =-= 22 =-----------------------------------------------------------
23:
What do accordion players use for birth control?
Their personalities.
( accordion ) ( index ) ( site-nav ) ( page-top ) ( page-foot )
-= accordion =-= 23 =-----------------------------------------------------------
A trombone player and an accordion player are playing a New Years’s
eve gig at a local club.
The place is packed and everybody is absolutely loving the music.
Shortly after midnight, the club owner comes up to the duo and says,
“You guys sound great – everybody loves you – I’d
like to know if the two of you are free
to come back here next New Year’s eve to play?”
The two musicians look at each other then to the club owner, and the trombone player says
“Sure, we’d love to. Is it OK if we leave our stuff here?”
( accordion ) ( index ) ( site-nav ) ( page-top ) ( page-foot )
-= accordion =-= 24 =-----------------------------------------------------------
An accordion player in his middle 40s was driving home around 10:00 p.m.
from a Bar Mitzvah.
When he left, he placed his instrument in the back window of his car so he could
watch it while he drove
to make sure it was OK.
On his way, he decided to stop at a bar and get a drink to make up for the boring
night.
He stopped, locked his car, and then went inside.
After he had had about three drinks, he suddenly realized where he put
the accordion!
He should have remembered what happened last time he left it in his back window!
So he ran outside and looked at his car. The back window was broken in,
glass was all over the place,
and, sure enough, there were two more accordions!
( accordion ) ( index ) ( site-nav ) ( page-top ) ( page-foot )
There are an inordinate number of banjo jokes, perhaps because the instrument is a joke to almost anyone who isn’t an aficionado. In fact, there are so many banjo jokes that this collection of them has now grown entirely out of hand – it has become so extensive that it warrants an entire section to itself.
Accordingly (banjoingly!), here is where you will now find all the
banjo jokes
assembled
(and even partially classified) in one place.
( index ) ( site-nav ) ( page-top ) ( page-foot )
Harmonica 01: Harmonica One-Liners
Harmonica 02: A Blues Musician Dies Dies and Goes to Heaven
Harmonica 03: This Harmonica Player Dies and Goes to Heaven
( index ) ( site-nav ) ( page-top ) ( page-foot )
-= harmonica =-= 01 =-----------------------------------------------------------
01:
Why do dogs howl when harmonica players play?
They’re trying to tell them how the song goes.
02:
What do you call a harmonica player’s accompanist?
Fido.
-= harmonica =-= 02 =-----------------------------------------------------------
03:
Steve Wright: “I play the harmonica. The only way I can play is if I get my car
going really fast,
and stick it out the window. I’ve been arrested three times for
practicing.”
-= harmonica =-= 03 =-----------------------------------------------------------
04:
What do the best harmonica players have in common?
They all suck.
-= harmonica =-= 04 =-----------------------------------------------------------
05:
What do you say at the end of a great harmonica solo?
“Thank God.”
-= harmonica =-= 05 =-----------------------------------------------------------
06:
What do you call a harmonica player who doesn’t step all over the
singer’s lines?
Deceased.
07:
What do you call a harmonica player in a brand new suit?
Dearly departed.
-= harmonica =-= 06 =-----------------------------------------------------------
08:
How many harmonica players does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
Five. One to screw it in and four to determine if it should be in straight or cross
position.
-= harmonica =-= 07 =-----------------------------------------------------------
09:
What do you call a harmonica player who says he knows what notes he’s
playing?
A liar.
-= harmonica =-= 08 =-----------------------------------------------------------
10:
Why do harmonica players say they play a “harp?”
1. So you won’t think they play a harmonica.
2. “Harmonica” is a four-syllable word.
-= harmonica =-= 09 =-----------------------------------------------------------
11:
Which is better: electric guitar or harmonica?
Electric guitar. You can’t beat a harmonica player to death with a harmonica.
-= harmonica =-= 10 =-----------------------------------------------------------
12:
What do you call a groupie who hangs around and annoys musicians?
A harmonica player.
-= harmonica =-= 11 =-----------------------------------------------------------
13:
If you threw a guitar player and a harmonica player off a cliff, which one would
hit the ground first?
The guitar player.
The harp would have to stop halfway down to ask what key they’re in.
-= harmonica =-= 12 =-----------------------------------------------------------
14:
A guitar player says to his wife, “Oh, baby, I can play you just like my
guitar.”
His wife replies, “I’d rather have you play me like a
harmonica!”
-= harmonica =-= 13 =-----------------------------------------------------------
15:
What does a harp player do in his life’s most tender moments?
He puts his reverb on “slow.”
-= harmonica =-= 14 =-----------------------------------------------------------
16:
Why were vintage guitar amplifiers invented?
So the harp player would have a place to put his beer.
( harmonica ) ( index ) ( site-nav ) ( page-top ) ( page-foot )
-= harmonica =-= 15 =-----------------------------------------------------------
A blues musician dies and goes to Heaven. Upon arriving, he is told,
“Hey man, welcome! You have been elected to the Blues All-Stars
of Heaven —
right up there with Muddy and the Wolf and Freddy King, all the greats. We have a
gig tonight.
Only one problem — God gets to play harmonica.”
( harmonica ) ( index ) ( site-nav ) ( page-top ) ( page-foot )
-= harmonica =-= 16 =-----------------------------------------------------------
This harmonica player dies and goes to heaven. There’s a long
line at the pearly gates,
and some dude is going around telling folks in line that they can check out Hell
while they
are waiting for their spot by just going over to the red elevator over there
(points).
“You know, if you don’t like it, just get back on the elevator and come back up.”
The harmonica player thinks to himself, “Hey, gotta check it out… maybe it ain’t as bad as they say it is.”
So over he goes, gets into the elevator and down he goes…
the elevator stops, he gets out and the Devil himself is there to show him around.
Off they go and pretty soon, he’s thinking to himself that maybe this ain’t
so bad after all…
they stop in at a nightclub, and there’s a great little band inside, playing
their asses off.
He spots some famous folks he knows…
“Hey, ain’t that Little Walter over there?”
They leave, and he finally asks the Devil, “Wow, those cats were
smokin’.
This place is great! But one thing… there’s got to be a catch to this…
What is it?”
The Devil turns to him and says, quite matter-of-factly, “No solos.”
( harmonica ) ( index ) ( site-nav ) ( page-top ) ( page-foot )
| | Welcome | | | Choir Calendar | | | Indexes of Songs | | | Page Top | | |
| | Instructions | | | Upcoming Gig(s) | | | Resources by Song | | | Country & Bluegrass | | |
| | Member ID | | | Choir Photos | | | Rehearsal Notes | | | Breaking News | | |
| | Choir Admin. | | | Choir Videos | | | Musical Humour | | | | |
Maintained by: | Robert Stanley. | |
Last Updated: | 29th of June, 2009. | |
© 2009 The Starving Artist’s Garratt |