Music Composer Humour

Music Composer One-Liners

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01: Composers are bad pianists with good memories.

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02: What do you call a robot that composes musicals?
Android Lloyd Webber!

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03: Why was the composer drunk?
Because he tried to use a tonic with his fifth.

04: Did you know Beethoven was an alcoholic?
Have you heard of Beethoven’s fifth?

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05: What did they find when they dug up Beethoven’s grave?
He was decomposing.

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06: What did they find in Beethoven’s toilet?
His last movement.

07: What is brown and stinks and sits on a piano-stool?
Beethoven’s last movement.

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08: “Beethoven had an ear for music.”
— anonymous.

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09: Why did Bach have more than twenty children?
His organ had no stops!

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10: Why did Bach get rid of all of his chickens?
Because his audience, at every concert, kept yelling… “Bach, Bach, Bach, Bach, Bach!”

11: Why did Mozart kill his chickens?
Because they always ran around going “Bach! Bach! Bach!”

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12: What’s the difference between an extra-large pizza and a composer?
The extra-large pizza can feed a family of four.

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13: What do all the great composers have in common?
They are all dead.

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14: How can you tell if a composer is dead?
Hold out a cheque. Don’t be fooled, though.
He might still make a grasping action until his body stiffens completely.

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15: Why does a composer feel like a different person after going for lunch?
He’s Bach by at least 1 p.m., and Offenbach before that.

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16: Want to hear Wassermusik in a washroom?
Push Handel. (Didn’t work? Oh well – pull Bach.)

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17: Can you drink Wassermusik?
Only with an orche-straw.

Walking Past the Gravestones

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As I walked past the grave stones I heard an eerie sound, someone was playing some classical music backwards!

“What’s that sound?” I asked a passing Goth.

“Oh that’s Ludwig van Beethoven’s grave – it sounds like he’s decomposing!”

The Music Fanatic Visits Beethoven’s Vault

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A Beethoven fanatic went to the cemetery where Beethoven was buried and managed to get into his vault.
When he walked in, he saw Beethoven erasing all of his music.

“What are you doing?!”

“I’m decomposing.”

A Tourist Is Sightseeing in a European City

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A tourist is sightseeing in a European city.

She comes upon the tomb of Beethoven, and begins reading the commemorative plaque,
only to be distracted by a low scratching noise, as if something was rubbing against a piece of paper.

She collars a passing native and asks what the scratching sound is.

The local person replies, “Oh, that is Beethoven. He’s decomposing.”

The Disappearing Bach Manuscripts

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Did you hear that last year all of Bach’s original manuscripts began disappearing?

Fearing the occult was to blame, researchers dug up his grave and found the answer…

He was decomposing!

A Minimalist Knock-Knock Joke

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Knock Knock?
Who’s there?
Knock Knock?
Who’s there?
Knock Knock?
Who’s there?
Knock Knock?
Who’s there?
Philip Glass.

Or this variant:

Knock-knock.
Who’s there?
Philip Glass. Knock-knock.

Casting a Spielberg Music Drama

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Steven Spielberg thought of an idea for a action drama about famous musicians played by movie superstars.

Sylvester Stallone, Steven Seagal, Bruce Willis, and Arnold Schwarzenegger all showed up at the casting call.

Spielberg told them to pick what musician they wanted to be as long as they were famous.

“I’ll be Mozart because I’ve always admired his classical music,” said Stallone.

“I like Chopin’s piano music and I think I’ll play his role,” said Bruce.

Seagal says, “I think I’ll be Beethoven because he wrote excellent music.”

Spielberg was excited because he loved this idea.

When he asked who Arnold would be, Arnold said, “I’ll be Bach.”

The Composition Student’s Project

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This was told to me by one of my music professors.

A young composition student in one of the more prestigious conservatories in Russia
is running out of time for an important project. In the coming weekend,
the school orchestra will be gathered on stage to read through all the composition
students’ symphonies for the first time in front of the professor.

In a fit of last-minute genius, he goes to the library and checks out one of his professor’s symphonies,
and writes out the whole work backwards.

That weekend, after his hand-copied parts have been distributed,
he waits nervously as the orchestra looks over the music.

The conductor gets into place and readies the orchestra.
Then, on his downbeat, out comes the opening fanfare to Tchaikovsky’s 4th.

Silly Music Composer Puns

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01: Borodin nothing to do!

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02: Gone Chopin. Bach in a minuet.

03: A music store shopkeeper left for a while,
so he left this sign on his door:
Gone Chopin, Be Back In A Minuet.

04: Gone Chopin
Got my Liszt
Bach later
Probably Baroque.

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05: Saw this one on a door in a music school:
Out to lunch. Bach by 1. Offenbach sooner.

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06: What’s musical and handy in a supermarket?
A Chopin Liszt.

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07: These jokes are so bad I can’t Handel them.
They make me Lisztless.
They can be too Mendelssohn.
You’d better go out Bach and stay in Haydn.

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08: Why don’t they know where Mozart is buried?
Because he’s Haydn.

09: Why was Mozart lost?
Because his teacher was Haydn.

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10: What do you get if Bach dies and is reincarnated as twins?
A pair of Re-Bachs.

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11: What do you get if Bach falls off a horse but has the courage to get on again and continue riding?
Bach in the saddle again.

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12: Haydn’s Chopin Liszt at Vivaldi’s:

• Rossini and cheese
• Schumann polish
• Bern-n-stein remover
• Satie mushrooms
• Batteries (Purcell)
• BeethOVEN cleaner
• Hummel microwave meals
• Orange Schubert
• TchaiCOUGHsky drops
• MarshMahlers
• Honey-nut Berlioz
• Cui-tips
• Chef Boyardee Raveli
• Sour cream and Ives
• Strauss (straws)
• Chocolate Webers (wafers)
• Del Monteverdi corn
• Mozart-rella cheese
• I Can’t Believe it’s not Rutter
• Bach of serial (opera)
• Chicken Balakirev
• New door Handel
• Golden Brahms
• Clemen-TEA
• Little Debussy snack cakes
• Oscar Meyerbeer bologna

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13: “This phone is baroque; please call Bach later.”

Music Composer Quotes

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Verdi goes to his first Wagner opera. When approached afterwards
and asked whether he’d liked what he’d just heard, the Maestro said,

“Molto bene! Molto bene! (pause) Molto bene. Molto bene. Si, molto bene. Molto bene! Molto bene! (pause)
Molto bene! Molto bene! Molto bene. Molto bene. etc., etc.”

By analogy, there is Rossini’s comment on Meyerbeer’s “Robert le Diable,”

“This music needs to be heard a hundred times!”
(It was unclear whether the remark was meant as a compliment;
probably not, judging by other comments Rossini made).

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Fritz Kreisler and Rachmaninov had a recital in Carnegie Hall once.

In the middle of the music, Kreisler got lost and turned around to ask Rachmaninov,
“Where are we?”

Rachmaninov replied, “Carnegie Hall, sir!”

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At one of the first rehearsals of Electra, it is rumored that during the soprano’s aria,
Richard Strauss’s conducting became wilder with each passing measure.

Finally, upon reaching such a frenzied state that he couldn’t possibly conduct any faster,
Strauss cried out, “Louder; I can still hear her!”

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When asked by the Pope (I forget which one) what the Catholic Church could do for music,
Igor Stravinsky is reputed to have answered without hesitation:

“Give us back castrati!”

Criticism of Music Composers

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“Wagner’s music has beautiful moments but some bad quarters of an hour.”
— Rossini

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“Wagner is the Puccini of music.”
— George Bernard Shaw

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“Richard Wagner’s music is better than it sounds.”
— Mark Twain

“I’m told that Wagner’s music is not as bad as it sounds.”
— Mark Twain

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“The present-day composer refuses to die.”
— Edgar Varese